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Forest Cottage Centre Email Newsletter: October 2005

Lying and stealing are the two most common behaviours that families with challenging children face. These are chronic conditions, related to developmental delays, control issues, early childhood abuse and neglect, and magnified by anxiety and frustration.

These are behaviours that tend to reappear throughout life, reappearing during times of transition; increased anxiety, frustration or jealousy; when a child feels safe enough with a caregiver to believe that consequences won't be abusive; and/or when they have reduced supervision.

It seems more suitable, then, to talk about behaviour MANAGEMENT rather than behaviour MODIFICATION. It is possible to manage these behaviours and respond in a variety of ways so as to reduce the incidence. It is unlikely, however, that the behaviours will be totally extinguished.

We know that the child may not change but what we can change is our response to the situation. Here are four areas that may assist you as deal with lying and stealing.

1. Adult Response
2. Response Strategies
3. Suitable Consequences
4. Realistic Expectations

• Be aware of your own personal triggers related to lying and stealing.
• View an incident of stealing/lying as a learning opportunity for the child.
• Don't take it personally. Try to remain objective.
• Often special needs children have primary processing delays so they don't understand their own lies or taking responsibility. Implement the consequences with as little verbal dialogue as possible so there is a clear correlation between behaviour and consequence.
• Pre-plan your "script" for speaking to the child. Wording should be in brief sentences, using simple language.
• Eliminate your angry response (respond very neutrally)
• It's okay to vary your responses, depending on frequency of act, timing, and your ability to respond, and also the child's learning style. It keeps them slightly off-balance and leaves you in control ("consistent inconsistency")

• Reduce opportunities (lock away dangerous items, money, etc.)
• Similarly, don't ask questions that set the child up to lie. If you know they won't tell the truth, don't ask in the first place.
• Provide each child in the family with a lockable box (e.g. foot locker). Have padlocks mastered so that you can undo all padlocks with the same key but the kids have different keys.
• It may be necessary for siblings and parents to be able to lock their rooms in order to eliminate theft and damage. Living with locks is better than never feeling like personal items are safe.
• For frequent offenders, assume "guilty until proven innocent' and consequence accordingly. If they are later proven innocent, provide appropriate restitution or have the guilty party do so.
• Develop visual cues for that child, such as a poster about the trust bank, showing deposits (obeying, telling the truth), and withdrawals (lying, stealing)
• Provide high supervision for high risk children
• Reduce the likelihood that they will steal an item by providing the items surreptitiously (e.g. hide chocolate bars, gum, etc. around their room occasionally so they feel like they are "stealing" but it is from their own room)

• No attention (if seeking attention)
• Line of sight supervision
• Paying for a babysitter, if cannot be left unsupervised

• Change may take a long time
• Consequences may require significant repetition
• This learned behaviour may be a instinctive response that will flare up and be an indicator of increased fear, anxiety, anniversary times, etc.
• Processing delays and neurological deficits mean that impulsivity and stealing but may long-term problems
• Continue to provide external supports until internal supports have developed (i.e. conscience); understand that if that never happens, they will always need someone to be their "Jiminy Cricket".

• If possible, avoid taking these children into stores with Halloween displays.
• If you must buy a costume, pre-select suitable options and leave them at Customer Service until you return with the child, in order to avoid visiting the Halloween section.
• Pre-plan homes that you will visit for treat-or-treating, so that children are only visiting adults known to them.
• Limit the amount of time you are out for trick-or-treating and make the official end time known.
• Allow de-escalation time once you arrive home.
• Focus on low-trigger Halloween activities, such as baking cookies, decorating with autumn decorations rather than Halloween theme, etc.
• Ask teachers to avoid overtly "evil" images/themes being used within the classroom
• Monitor the child's response to Halloween candy. If they have a history of gorging, consider having them divide their cache into smaller Ziploc bags that you can save for them and provide in smaller portions.