"Offering Hope and Help."

In this issue:

A Note From the Coach
Children Who Control: Passing the Test
Many of the children who are classified as "severe behaviour children" display an extreme need for control and manipulation of their environment. Regardless of the label(s) they may have received (including Attachment Disorder, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and more), these children are distinctive in their skill at reading those around them and determining whether or not they can control them. The symptoms of highly-controlling children may include behaviours such as:

Such symptoms should raise concern. Younger children may seek control subconsciously; as they get older, such children can very clearly articulate what they are trying to do. In my interviews with male inmates in prison I was told of the many "mini-tests" they use on people to see if they can trust them. It should be noted that while there is an intentional aspect to many of the behaviours, they are often driven by deeper instincts for safety and self-preservation. The goal of helping such individuals is for them to learn to share appropriate levels of control with others. The only way to help them do this is to build trust and provide sufficient boundaries that they must share control. Unfortunately, to reach that place we must pass their tests... and many of us fail to do so.

To understand the tests that such children present us with, we must first understand the lose/lose outcome these children set up for themselves. First of all, there is a deep desire for adults, a caregiver, to be trustworthy and to provide security (control) for the child but in order to pass the test of trustworthiness you must remove control from the child, which they do not want to lose. Or, if you fail the tests, you provide further evidence that others cannot be trusted. Confused? So are they. No wonder it is so hard for them to form successful relationships with others.

One of my greatest frustrations is to see people making the assumption that severely disturbed individuals can respond normally within therapeutic relationships. Many of these children do not display signs of conscience and empathy, do not operate from a foundation of basic trust, and have no idea how to have reciprocal (give-and-take) relationships. Yet they are often expected to settle in quickly (and "normally") to home placements and therapy sessions. It is realistic, not pessimistic, to acknowledge that such children are trying to control everything in their environment and that unless we teach them to do otherwise they will mature into highly controlling and manipulative adults.

Many people do not even realize there has been a test for control because it starts subtly. The key is to realize what the tests are so that you can begin to pass them. Tests progressively increase in severity, depending on:

Here are some of the tests I have observed in action*, written from the tester's (perpetrator's) perspective. Note that while all children and adults occasionally interrupt or get others to repeat the difference here is the frequency, intention and associated behavioural symptoms. Passing the test means not allowing the perpetrator to successfully accomplish the task AND responding in some way to the attempt. Potential appropriate responses include a variety of behavioural interventions and may include intentionally ignoring the behaviour, negative or positive reinforcers, and paradoxical intention, among others. The individual must perceive their attempts at control as being unsuccessful.

All of these tests are based on the child's real or perceived ability to control. Be prepared from the moment you meet a child with an established severe behaviour history to maintain control or demonstrate your ability to have it as needed. Small things like introducing yourself to the parents before you address the child, ignoring attention getting comments or activities, and being able to neutrally respond to any hurt or attack so that the child does not gain a sense of power, are all important ways to demonstrate that you are in control of the situation. As individuals increase in health, we can increasingly share control with them. In schools, teachers can watch for how children control the classroom and begin to help them substitute more suitable ways to feel safe. Parents can minimize controlling behaviours early in placement so that respect and trust are built from the beginning.

When I begin working with families, the child usually hates me for the first while because I confront control-seeking behaviours and minimize their control over me. This throws them off-balance even though I respond consistently, with empathy, and fairly. My favorite quote this week was related to me from a mom following a home visit. While the rest of the siblings really enjoyed the time with me, their daughter with Attachment Disorder indicated that she hated me. When asked why, she said in a disgusted voice, "Tanya helps people and teaches kids stuff. She spends time with people. I hate her!". I guess I passed that test.

Over the next month, watch how individuals around you try to gain control.

– Tanya Helton, M.Sc., Life Coach

*If you can think of additional tests, feel free to email them to me!

Upcoming Workshops

June 28 - Whistler, Private Organization

Fall 2003 - Call now to schedule bookings!

FREE Coaching Day
Back by popular demand, I will be hosting a Call-In Coaching Day on FRIDAY, JUNE 13. Just call our toll-free number 1-877-261-6361 (Canada and USA)between 9 am and 4 pm (PST) to receive 25 minutes of free coaching.

Wondering what coaching is? From 1-2 pm I will be coaching volunteer parents on common behaviour problems. To listen in to these live sample sessions or to be a volunteer, please pre-register by emailing me at Tanya@ForestCottageCentre.com and I will send you a bridge number to call. Parents, referral agencies, social workers and teachers are welcome.

About Forest Cottage Centre

Forest Cottage Centre provides attachment-based support for parents of severe behaviour or special needs children, attachment Disorder resources and training and workshops for professionals working with challenging children. Services include individual and group sessions, workshops and retreats.

© 2003 Forest Cottage Centre. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from this newsletter in whole or in part, as long as you include complete attribution and copyright information, including live web site link and email link. Please also notify Forest Cottage where and when the material will appear.

Comments or questions? Contact Tanya Helton, M.Sc., Life Coach at Forest Cottage Centre Inc.
Phone Toll-Free 1-877-261-6361
Tanya@ForestCottageCentre.com
www.ForestCottageCentre.com