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Forest Cottage Centre Email Newsletter: August 2005

Sex & Special Needs Kids: An Interview with Meg Hickling

Many of you will be familiar with the work of Meg Hickling. She is a Registered Nurse who has been a sexual-health educator for more than twenty-five years. Her ability to convey difficult material with sensitivity, gentle humour and warmth distinguishes her as a remarkable teacher and role model. Meg is the author of the renowned book Speaking of Sex: What Your Children Need to Know and When They Need to Know It, which has become THE resource for parents wishing to teach their children about sex. Meg is an Officer of the Order of BC and the Order of Canada. She lives in Vancouver, Canada.

Meg recently returned from her tenth teaching trip to Japan, and she graciously agreed to speak to us about sexual health and special needs children.

Here are some highlights of my interview with her:

Tanya: Thank you for taking the time to talk. What areas do you feel special needs parents and educators need to address?

Meg: Traditionally disabled children were ignored when it came to sexual health education. They were either viewed as asexual or, it was believed, education would make sexualized behaviour worse. The reality was that disabled children were the most abused in the past and they need education as well. Today many people assume that kids know TOO much and they don't need more information when really they still need the facts.

Tanya: When should parents start talking to their children about sex?

Meg: It should start as soon as a baby is born. Whether parents say a word or not, they are teaching kids about sex. Too many people wait until they think a child is in puberty, which is usually two years too late. By then the child is in the shy, embarrassed stage. That said, it is NEVER TOO LATE to start talking about sex.

Tanya: What about unique issues facing foster and adoptive parents?

Meg: Those kids need it even more than others. Many of these children have received misinformation or been sexually abused. Foster parents are very hesitant to discuss it because they are fearful of the response they will receive from social workers or the biological family. I suggest building it into the care plan for foster children. For adoptive children, find out what they know and give them the correct information, such as body parts, even if they are young. If they have been abused, they need the correct information.

Tanya: What area of sexual education do most people ignore?

Meg: Boys, especially sexual abuse of boys. Studies tell us that 1 girl in 2, and 1 boy in 3, will be abused before they are 18. Boys are definitely at risk, by women as well as men. Moms tend to educate girls about body changes but leave boys out of that information. This leads to fear and guilt because boys aren't understanding puberty changes. They don't share their worries with their parents because the silence has given the message that they aren't allowed to talk about it. Boys learn from peers and may get drawn into pornography in order to get information.

Tanya: How can parents start the discussion?

Meg: I frame things in "scientific terms," such as my book Boys, Girls & Body Science. It normalizes it. And the reality is that even if your child is never sexually active, they will always need to take care of their sexual health. We don't have to sexualize the information with our adult baggage. Parents can be matter-of-fact in sharing information. For example, in my presentations I teach children to say "Interesting…" instead of "yuck!"

Tanya: What about for parents who think their child is not interested because they aren't asking any questions?

Meg: Then start with telling them just what you think they need to know. Give them the basic facts, and then help them know where to get more information when they want to know, such as having the Body Science book in their bookshelves where it can be accessed privately.
Tanya: How can moms get dads involved in sexual education?

Meg: Sometimes they just need to be present. For example, some families take a car journey and the mom reads my book aloud. Dad is there driving and just his presence implies support. Adults may not have all the correct information either or know proper names for body parts, so they may learn something too.

Tanya: What about cultural issues and/or misinformation?

Meg: I often walk into a classroom and a child raises something a family member told them. This may be a cultural myth, passed on through generations. Rather than being disrespectful, I just say that NEW science information disproves that. This allows me not to undermine past information but to present facts as new information they can then take home and share with older generations.

Tanya: What about if parents are shocked or horrified by a question a child asks?

Meg: No matter how shocking, you need to stay calm. Say "I'll get back to you, I need to get more information." Then you have time to pull it together. But you must get back to them, don't use it as a brush-off.

Tanya: What if parents are really nervous? How can they hide it?

Meg: It's okay to be nervous. Kids can tell. Just say "I didn't have this information when I was young so I am nervous but I will do the best I can. If I get embarrassed, it isn't your fault." The important thing is that kids feel safe to ask you questions. Questions mean that they feel safe, that they trust you enough to ask.

Tanya: Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.

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