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Forest Cottage Centre Email Newsletter:
April 2003

In this issue:

• Stress: The Impact on Families and a FREE resource
• Upcoming Workshop
• New Email Address

Note From the Coach

Stress: The Impact on Families of Children With Attachment Disorder

Stress. Parents and siblings of children with Attachment Disorder will live through years of stress during the course of raising that child and often begin to feel that the chaos and associated stress load are normal. And, sadly, it is a normal part of raising an abnormal child. This is the strange reality that parents and professionals working with such families must acknowledge. The balancing act is to maintain a sense of contained chaos without the families falling apart.

Contained chaos means facing stress on a daily basis. This stress ranges from the small (“stop bugging your brother”) to the huge (“tell the principal why you threatened to kill your teacher”). The stress is persistent, continuing through the child’s lifetime. There are often actions that require an immediate response. There may be physical attacks on family members. Living with these children necessitates constant thinking to stay ahead of them. It can mean nights lying awake at night wondering what to try next. No wonder parents of such children often feel exhausted!

Yet when stress is mentioned at case conferences or in reports, I often sense that professionals are underestimating the severity of its impact on the family. Unless you have lived through it, it is difficult to fathom – something like going to war. In fact, some have referred to parenting these children as “life in the trenches.” How do you explain the stress of constantly feeling under attack? The sense of impending doom? One parent told me last week that she thought that her child was conducting her personal version of the “Shock and Awe” campaign! (At that point it was working…) The stress comes not only from what these children actually do, but also from what we know they could do.

I have been reminded lately about what it was like to live with an older, severely disturbed child. I remember what it was like as a sibling to go to sleep at night having a lock on my bedroom door. I remember what it was like to live with constant screaming and holes being punched in the wall. I remember having my life and that of my parents threatened. I am also sure that our family doctor, social worker, and other professionals through the years did not understand the magnitude of the stress.

One example that never fails to gain attention at my workshops is that of how stressed our cats were when I was growing up. At one point they even lost the hair on their ears and the vet prescribed Valium to reduce their anxiety. Even I laugh at this… but with a twinge of sadness because you must then imagine how symptomatic that was of the amount of stress our family was experiencing.

Recent research has focused on the significant impact of stress on an individual’s health. In the short-term, we see parents and family members experiencing lack of sleep, changes in eating habits, situational depression, and physical illness. Long-term family members may develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and physical illnesses such as heart disease. These are the hidden risks of raising a child without conscience or empathy.

It is impossible to eliminate all of the stress of raising a challenging child. But, we can try to watch for the early warning signs of burnout, both general and specific.

What you can do…
Make a list of your personal warning signs that you are heading for trouble*.

My list includes things like I can’t remember what I was going to do next, my car begins to fill with junk, and I feel like it is too much work to feed my pets. Write this list on an index card that you will see often. Watch for these warning signs and practice “Extreme Self-Care” to develop a safeguard against the effects on ongoing stress.

*A great resource for this is Cheryl Richardson’s Life Makeovers

One final note. Remember you don’t have to do it alone. You should also be watching for
warning signs of dangerous behavior in your children. These indicate a severely disturbed child and immediate professional assistance should be provided to the family. Watch for:

Just knowing that there are support services available and learning how to practice good self-care can go a long way towards reducing the long term effects of living with a challenging child.

FREE RESOURCE
This month the first 25 people to email will receive a copy of the “Extreme Self-Care Program”, a pdf document that outlines a method for significantly improving your level of self-care! Send requests to Tanya@ForestCottageCentre.com with “Extreme Self-Care” in the subject line.

Have a good month. – Tanya Helton, M.Sc., Life Coach

Upcoming Workshops

Tanya will be providing a one-day workshop on Attachment Disorder in British Columbia at:

Fort St. John April 8, 2003 9 am – 3 pm, North Peace Health Unit

Cost: Foster Parents $10/person or $15/couple, Non-Foster Parents $15/person, $25/couple.
To register, contact Sherrie Jones, Foster Parent Coordinator, at 250-786-5357 or email sjones@pris.bc.ca

© 2003 Forest Cottage Centre. All rights reserved. You are free to use material from this newsletter in whole or in part, as long as you include complete attribution and copyright information, including live web site link and email link. Please also notify Forest Cottage where and when the material will appear.

Comments or questions? Contact Tanya Helton, M.Sc., Life Coach at Forest Cottage Centre Inc.
Phone Toll-Free 1-877-261-6361
Tanya@ForestCottageCentre.com
www.ForestCottageCentre.com